K.T. Rants

Today my mum and I are putting on a little party so our family friend 'Tara' can sell jewelry for this company she works for (kinda Mary Kay style). I was supposed to invite a lot of friends...but I forgot. Yeesh, sometimes I feel like such an airhead! Well, I suppose everyone has their moments. So anyway I'll probably be only one of two under the age of forty present (Tara being the other one) unless 'Meg' can come, but I'm still not sure. It'd be nice to have someone there I feel comfortable around. We'll see.

I also feel it's important to update you on the status of my crush. I actually somehow got the cojones to just ask him straight out if he was gay. Casually, no problem, with that smile that makes me weak at the knees on his face, he said four words I'd been dreading, and one I wasn't expecting: 'I sleep with men ... sometimes.'

SOMETIMES?? WTF DOES THAT MEAN??? After that I felt obligated to ask a completely stupid-ass question. 'So you sleep with women too?' I mean, c'mon! Was it really necessary for me to blurt that out? How awkward is THAT conversation? He answered 'yes' but it doesn't really make me feel much better. As Meg is my all-around guru for matters like this, I trust her when she says he's just still a little bit in denial and by the time he graduates college he'll just settle on being gay instead of bi. Still, I don't know why it never occured to me that there would be bisexual men. I mean, when someone says that, you always picture a woman. Sometimes I'm shocked at my own naitivite.

So, I suppose I really should give up on him now, once and for all. No wishy-washy 'I do but I don't', after this I'm even going to try to not bring him up here, because I just need to go cold turkey on this I think. Get a rubber band around my wrist and snap it when I'm thinking about him sort of thing. It's tough, because I REALLY like him a lot, but to make myself feel better I remind myself I probably don't want to have sex with something that's been up some other guy's ass. Very unsanitary (appealing to the nurse in me). I know, I know, it's vulgar, but it really does help and I need to take what I can get at this point.

Thankfully, Meg has been helping a lot to distract me. We had a movie night on Thursday night and she gave me a makeover and I actually got some good pictures of myself (and trust me, I am possibly the least photogenic person in the world). So, in the immortal words of the Beatles, 'I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.'

Well, 'Meg' has saved the day again. I was beginning to worry about the fact that I don't really have great subjects to talk about on a blog. And what's the point of having a blog if you don't have anything to talk about? But good ol' Meg left a comment under 'The Great Hormone Feud' about the movie my crush and I went to see two weeks ago: "Was Step It Up 2 his choice? 'Cause if it was then I think we have a solid case of 'he's not into women'."

Leave it to Meg to bring up one of my biggest issues. Namely: why the hell am I always attracted to the closeted gays? I mean, it's been a problem of mine since I was a 'tween, although I didn't recognize it then. Remember when 'N Sync was popular? Guess which one I had a crush on - ALL OF THEM hahaha. Sorry. Not funny. No, of course I just lurved Lance. Whay couldn't I have been attracted to Justin or one of the other guys? It's seriously beginning to feel like a curse.

My inadvertent gaydar is - if three of the last four crushes are to be counted - nearly flawless. But my special version of gaydar is unique and absolutely useless. I can't use it on purpose! So now every time I get a crush on a guy I have to wonder first if he's gay. Can you imagine what that does to a girl's sanity?

My current on-again off-again crush could, as Meg points out, be gay. It's sad that I wouldn't be surprised. He says he's had a girlfriend in the past, but heck, Elton John was married to a woman for a while, wasn't he? So that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Plus quite a few of the signs are certainly there - all his friends are girls, his Facebook profile doesn't say one way or the other, he's incredibly good looking, he doesn't have a girlfriend already, and he dresses well (although I do hold some small hope in the fact that sometimes he wears the same thing two days in a row). But of course all these things could mean absolutely nothing. I like to delude myself that they don't mean anything, and until I'm 100% sure, I'm finding it really hard to give up on him.

But any straight guys that might be reading this, definetely don't get the impression that it is in ANY way appropriate to lie to a girl and tell her you're gay because you don't want to hurt her feelings. It's nice that you don't want to hurt her and all, but I mean, look how neurotic I am, and to my knowledge all three guys were telling the truth! Then if the girl caught you going out with some other chick, you'd be in some really deep shit. Plus, she'd be even more hurt than if you had just told her the truth in the first place.

Meg says she likes to have her fantasies and be strung along. I can understand that thinking completely, and I used to think like that, too. But I have trouble really crushing on more than one guy at once, and I really don't want to waste my time on a guy that's not interested in me when I could be having a relationship with someone else. Of course, in my case this is all wishful thinking, but that's my two cents.

My hormones and I are currently not in a speaking relationship. Yes, you read correctly. I am pissed off at my hormones. What makes them think they can control me and my behavior? Just because they DO on a regular basis doesn't mean they should make a habit of it.

Case in point: This really good-looking Swedish guy I know. The minute I looked at him on the first day of acting class - BAM! My eyes dilate, my cheeks blush, the whole deal. I didn't even freaking know the guy! But did my hormones care? Nooooo. So began a crush that has lasted over a month. The chase was on, without my hormones even letting my brain give some input.

Now, I'm not saying this guy isn't nice. He's actually really charming - and did I mention gorgeous? But it's taken me all this time to finally break through the hormonal fog and make myself admit he's not really the guy for me. I sincerely doubt he's into me, first and most importantly, and he drinks and parties a lot, and while I have absolutely nothing against that, I'd end up getting left out a lot because I can't drink - I'm on seizure medication. Plus he's into hip-hop and stuff, which, unfortunately I'm really much too white to enjoy - the first time we hung out we went to 'Step It Up 2', a movie I had only looked upon with complete disdain previous to meeting him. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it wasn't bad - but that's not the point! And he has a LOT of girl friends he's always around, and while I truly honestly TRY not to be the jealous type, I just know that if we did start dating I'd always be wondering.

So, I've wasted a month's obsessing over a guy who in the end didn't really cut it (and I, to be fair, interest him even less, I'm sure), and all because of my stupid hormones. Oh well, I can still appreciate him for his good looks, anyway - my hormones and I are working on a reconciliation. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!