Thursday, March 27, 2008

Scatterbrain

I think today’s entry will pretty much be an amalgam of short, somewhat random thoughts I’ve been having lately.
1) Do you ever feel bad using the hadicapped restroom? I mean, I only use it when the other ones are full, but somehow I feel a little guilty. I mean, what if an actual handicapped person showed up? I feel like I’m parking in handicapped parking and I’ll get a ticket. How rediculous is that? Sometimes I feel it’s amazing how neurotic I can be.
2) I was totally freaking out recently because that guy I was talking about earlier, ‘Jon’, wasn’t answering my messages on Facebook. I’d sent him two already, and I felt with each additional message I sent that I was behaving more and more like a stalker. I didn’t want him to freak out, so I finally just sent him a message that pretty much said that it was the last message I would send and if he didn’t answer I’d stop sending them. So finally he answers, citing the oh-so-overused excuse that he’s never on Facebook (except that Facebook sometimes gives you snippets of other peoples’ Wall messages and I saw that he had answered other peoples’ messages). So I’m getting to the ‘he’s just not into you’ point. He did say he’d like to get together, but he’s living in Utah now, and when am I  going to go to Utah for Heaven’s sake? Silliness. So yeah I’m putting him on the back burner for now. Maybe if I go on a road trip at some point… 
3) Last but not least, I’m so excited that Spring Break is coming up. I’m going back to Nevada to visit my cousin and two nieces, and then on to the Grand Canyon. I absolutely love the Grand Canyon. If you’ve never been, you seriously need to go, because it’s gorgeous. Last time I went I got to dangle my feet over the edge once my mom had gone back to the car. ‘Cause there’s no way in Hell she’d let me do it. I’m really looking forward to this trip, and it’ll be nice to be back on the old turf in Nevada for a while. Ah, the memories…

Posted by Katie at 01:14:23 | Permalink | Comments (3)

Monday, March 24, 2008

Graveyard Shift

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve left a new post. I had a looooong weekend. I worked graveyard shift (actually I think it’s a little crass to call it that considering it’s a retirement home…) Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, then got up Sunday evening and worked some more! So basically all I’ve done this weekend is work and sleep. I do like doing the night shift though. It’s quiet because everyone’s asleep and I’m allowed to watch the TV in the activity room to pass the time. Sometimes if I’m feeling industrious I’ll even *gasp!* study a little bit.
This weekend I decided that I have an overactive imagination. Working at night is okay, but I’m the only employee there - and definetely the only person awake most of the time. So sometimes it’s a little spooky. Previously when I was doing my rounds (once an hour) I would hear indistinct voices or noise that I just figured were coming from the TV I left on in the activity room. Well, this weekend the activity room was beset by termites and was closed off, so no TV. But the voices were still there. Yeah. I was / / <–this close to freaking out entirely. I’ve pretty much put it down to being alone at night in a big building, being exhausted, and having an overactive imagination, but it was pretty scary at the time.
I mean, it’s a retirement home. How many people have died there? Just in the three years I’ve been there five people have died - I changed a recently-dead woman’s clothes once for her family - and the building’s been around for a lot longer than I’ve been there. But I managed to comfort myself by thinking, I’ve done the night shift hundreds of times before, and nothing has ever happened. Why should something just randomly happen now? (Although once I saw this movie where the monster didn’t exist until you thought about it…) Plus, it used to be a training house for nuns. That’s got to count for something against evil spirits, yeah?
I have to admit I’ve always wondered about ghosts and stuff. I’m not sure if I believe in them or not. I wouldn’t be horribly surprised if they existed. But I think of ghosts in the same way that I think of aliens and other things of that ilk. If they exist, they exist, but personally I’d rather not find out for sure one way or the other. It’s seriously not worth the heart attack. Besides, what kind of a Christian would I be if I refused to believe in anything I haven’t actually laid eyes on personally? I mean, I’ve never seen God before but I believe He exists. So why not ghosts, or aliens, or whatever? So at the moment I remain a borderline sceptic, but I’m telling you I was almost a believer last weekend.

Posted by Katie at 21:31:04 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Found Him!

I hope this entry makes sense, because it’s hard to explain. I grew up in Henderson, Nevada, and moved away when I was twelve. I knew this guy ‘Jon’ since kindergarten, and he was pretty cool. He was in my G.A.T.E. classes in fourth and fifth grades, and we were pretty good friends all the way until I left Nevada for where I’m living now. Then we lost touch, and I didn’t think about him at all.
Then the next spring break I went back to Henderson to visit my grandma, and I decided to visit my old elementary and middle schools to catch up with teachers (in the case of the elementary school) and friends (in the case of the middle school) because they had spring break at a different time than my school. I went to the elementary school and wandered around for a while, and since I was only interested in seeing the teachers, I came after school was over so I wouldn’t interrupt the classes. The elementary school’s playground was a popular hang-out for neighborhood kids of pretty much any age, and to my surprise I ran into Jon there on my way out.
I hadn’t thought about him since I left the year before, and he was still kind of an awkward kid - headgear and all. I shouldn’t be talking, though. When I left Henderson I was the second-fatest kid in school, I think. But I had grown nearly a foot in the last year and lost nearly twenty pounds since I changed medication, and if I do say so myself I looked pretty good. I saw him from a distance and waved, and he waved back with this look of shock on his face. I almost blushed when I realized he was staring at me, like he thought I was pretty! It was the first time that a guy ever looked at me like that. I filed that away in my brain, and it bolstered my self-confidence, but I still didn’t think about him much once I went back home.
The next year I came back at about the same time, and this time I went to the middle school where my friends that I had left behind were now eighth-graders. I had mostly come to see an old crush - I was fully aware that I was downright pretty by this time, and I wanted to see the same look of shock on his face as I had seen on Jon’s the year before. But on my way, guess who I ran into? Yup. And guess what? Gone was the headgear, he’d grown about a foot, and he was … hot. My brain did a little spin. What? Jon? Hot? I’d never, ever thought about him that way before. Maybe that’s what he had thought the year before when he saw me, I don’t know. He was happy to see me, and he gave me a hug while my shocked brain was still registering the fact that the nearby girl I assumed was his girlfriend was glaring at me. Then he walked away and that was the last time I saw him.
This time when I went home, though, I didn’t forget him. The next year I tried to find him, but all my friends had moved on to different high schools and he must have moved because the number he left in my middle school yearbook was wrong when I tried it. For the next four years I’d remember him on and off and try to get in touch with him, but nobody seemed to know where he was or how to get ahold of him. I admit I even looked him up on the internet quite a few times, but no luck.
Finally, about six months ago I got in touch with another old middle school friend who told me Jon had gone on a year-long mission trip to Taiwan. So I waited. And now, about a week ago I looked him up on Facebook, like I had done a dozen times before, and he was there! He wasn’t as hot as I remembered him, people change you know. Truthfully I’m probably not as pretty as I was. But after all this waiting I still feel like I should at least catch up with him. One thing that makes me nervous, though, is that he’s a Mormon. I have nothing against Mormons as people. They’re just about the nicest people around. But if I do try to pursue a relationship with him, would he date me, or would I have to be Mormon for him to even consider it? Because I could never be a Mormon, it’s just not my thing. And after all this time it would be a shame to not even try. Who knows, perhaps I’m crazy. Or perhaps this might just be something good. At least it’ll be a distraction…  

Posted by Katie at 01:14:27 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Actors Do It In Public

Today in my acting class we got our big midterm scenes. Everyone in the class gets a partner and we have to do a scene together, which is not so bad. That’s what we did for our final assignment in Begining Acting, and my partner and I got the only A’s in the class. (It’s my blog so I can be self-congratulatory if I want to!) The problem is, the teacher has realized that acting with sex appeal is my biggest weakness - so she assigned me the sexiest scene in the friggin’ play! Yeah. I know, I know, teachers are supposed to help you overcome your weaknesses, and acting especially is supposed to take you out of your comfort zone, but c’mon! I have to wear a dressing robe with a slip underneath, then halfway through the scene, TAKE OFF the dressing robe and stand there in my slip and change into a dress, all while trying to seduce an angry man.

Now, for all you overconfident people out there that’s not a big deal. I mean hell, some actors do scenes naked (*coughcough*danielradcliffe*coughcough*)! But for me, standing in front of a class in nothing but a slip is a big deal. I couldn’t even look at myself naked in a mirror until I was around eighteenish. And I’ve never masturbated. Ever. It doesn’t even interest me. It just seems kinda gross. I am totally, completely, not comfortable with my sexual identity. At all. But you know what they say, ‘Actors do it in public.’

So ‘Meg,’ the wonderful person that she is, offered to help me prepare. Plus we need to find a fairly modest slip and a 40’s style dress that buttons up the back. I can probably find the latter in a used clothing store, they have that kinda stuff there, although I don’t know if they let you try it on or not.

I’m going to be traumatized by the end of this, I know it, but maybe this is good for me. I need to pry myself out of my (largely self-created) shell. I’m also making a pointed effort to try to flirt with pretty much any guy I don’t find downright unattractive. I feel bad practicing on them sometimes, though. Because I don’t really mean any of it, and I know how it feels to be led on. But dammit I’ve got to get experience somewhere! I don’t know. Everything feels so awkward sometimes, and I wonder occaisionally if I’m just making myself look stupid. Maybe I’m just not cut out to be sexy. I mean, I’ve seen a change in the way guys treat me since I’ve started dressing differently and wearing makeup, but I always thought it should be an effortless thing to attract guys, whereas I have to put almost constant attention into reminding myself not to act like a sixteen-year-old. Hopefully it’ll be easier as I go. If not, maybe I’ll just convert to Catholicism and become a nun. (Eh, nevermind. It’s too much effort to memorize all those crazy prayers.)

Posted by Katie at 05:35:49 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Monday, March 17, 2008

I Feel Pretty…

Do you like my new picture? It’s all sketchy ‘n’ stuff. Anyway, that’s not what this entry’s about - or I suppose that’s part of it. Anyway, I went shopping with ‘Meg’ yesterday - I really needed a distraction, and Meg’s always great for a distraction. She’s lots of fun to hang out with. She’s also really good with style. See, I’ve dressed like a sixteen-year-old since I was … well … sixteen. I never really grew out of that style. But recently I’ve wanted to look a little more grown up. A little more, dare I say, sexy.
It’s annoying that it’s such a thin line between sexy and whorey. (Is ‘whorey’ a word? I dunno. Probably not.) I’m toeing the line pretty close, but I don’t think I’m crossing it - yet. My mom’s so funny - she refuses to say I look like a whore in a certain outfit. She just goes (and it makes more sense to hear it) ‘You look a little … hmmm … ‘ That’s the closest I can get to the noise she makes. It’s hilarious if you’re there to see the look on her face.
Anyway, the sketch is of me wearing one of the shirts Meg gave me, and then I bought four new ones yesterday, one of which I’m wearing now. Meg pretty much picked them all out, because I always get nervous when treading the aforementioned line. Plus, she’s hardly much older than me but she’s got a way more grown-up sense of taste, and I need to work on that. Plus, the awesome person that she is, she helped me with my makeup this morning, so right now I’m feeling absolutely gorgeous! It’s nice getting a makeover once in a while. Basically all I’ve been wearing up until now was coverup and maybe some lip gloss. So yeah, I’m feeling great, ready to face the world and get some attention, dammit! Wish me luck.

Posted by Katie at 21:16:12 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Saturday, March 15, 2008

With A Little Help From My Friends

Today my mum and I are putting on a little party so our family friend ‘Tara’ can sell jewelry for this company she works for (kinda Mary Kay style). I was supposed to invite a lot of friends…but I forgot. Yeesh, sometimes I feel like such an airhead! Well, I suppose everyone has their moments. So anyway I’ll probably be only one of two under the age of forty present (Tara being the other one) unless ‘Meg’ can come, but I’m still not sure. It’d be nice to have someone there I feel comfortable around. We’ll see.

I also feel it’s important to update you on the status of my crush. I actually somehow got the cojones to just ask him straight out if he was gay. Casually, no problem, with that smile that makes me weak at the knees on his face, he said four words I’d been dreading, and one I wasn’t expecting: ‘I sleep with men … sometimes.’

SOMETIMES?? WTF DOES THAT MEAN??? After that I felt obligated to ask a completely stupid-ass question. ‘So you sleep with women too?’ I mean, c’mon! Was it really necessary for me to blurt that out? How awkward is THAT conversation? He answered ‘yes’ but it doesn’t really make me feel much better. As Meg is my all-around guru for matters like this, I trust her when she says he’s just still a little bit in denial and by the time he graduates college he’ll just settle on being gay instead of bi. Still, I don’t know why it never occured to me that there would be bisexual men. I mean, when someone says that, you always picture a woman. Sometimes I’m shocked at my own naitivite.

So, I suppose I really should give up on him now, once and for all. No wishy-washy ‘I do but I don’t', after this I’m even going to try to not bring him up here, because I just need to go cold turkey on this I think. Get a rubber band around my wrist and snap it when I’m thinking about him sort of thing. It’s tough, because I REALLY like him a lot, but to make myself feel better I remind myself I probably don’t want to have sex with something that’s been up some other guy’s ass. Very unsanitary (appealing to the nurse in me). I know, I know, it’s vulgar, but it really does help and I need to take what I can get at this point.

Thankfully, Meg has been helping a lot to distract me. We had a movie night on Thursday night and she gave me a makeover and I actually got some good pictures of myself (and trust me, I am possibly the least photogenic person in the world). So, in the immortal words of the Beatles, ‘I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends.’

Posted by Katie at 18:35:04 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Friday, March 14, 2008

Real-Life Sweeney Todd!

Okay so as I said in my last blog I found this great real-life horror story in The Vampire In Legend and Fact by Basil Copper. It’s just too disgusting not to share! It’s freakin’ scary to think there are really people like this out there in the real world. Here, see what I mean…

Chapter 20: Fritz Haarman: Horror in Hanover

Hanover, a great railway town, in 1918, in common with most of Germany was in chaos; the centre for refugees, escapees from camps and detention centers, it was thronged with the human debris thrown up by the aftermath of the First World War. Its geographic and natural centre was Balinhof, the huge central railway station into which its floods of refugees ebbed and flowed with the movements of the timetables in endless tides of misery.

Among them, along with prostitutes [...] criminals and all the riff-raff dislodged from its natural habitat by war, were scores of homeless boys who had come to Hanover quite aimlessly, perhaps hoping for work, or more often merely to loiter at the centre of activity to see what life would bring with the dawn of each new day. These huddled masses of all ages and classes would doss down for the night in halls, corridors and third-class waiting-rooms and the traveller became used to picking his way through this bundled flotsam on his way to and from the trains.

One person who habitually used the station had more than a passing interest in an itinerant refugee population. He was well-known to the Hanover police force, who did their best to keep an eye on the teeming hordes of refugees, but as might be imagined, their numbers were thin for this almost impossible task of surveillance. This man sometimes helped the police in keeping watch, and from midnight until early morning, he would patrol the platforms and waiting areas, occaisionally questioning the youngsters as to why they were there; where they had come from; where they were going; or whether they had any relatives.

There was a method in these apparently aimless questions, which had developed a pattern in their repitition over the years. Very often a hungry and frightened boy would confide in this burly and not unsympathetic man in his late thirties. The stranger would listen in a kindly manner and when he had made up his mind would offer the hospitality of a bed and a meal in his living quarters at a cook shop he ran in the old quarter of Hanover.

Many of the boys who accepted the invitation of the kindly stranger were never seen again. Their host, who was later to be accused of no less than twenty-seven murders, was a man called Fritz Haarman, a small-time criminal, [pedophile], and police informer. He first held his victimes down by hand before killing them with one bite on the throat; it was this method of killing which was to cause the newspapers of the day to dub him the ‘Hanover Vampire’ and to cause a thrill of horror to run around the world when he was brought to trial in 1924.

Though Haarman cannot truly be called a real vampire, his method of killing his victims bore all the classic hallmarks of a vampire attack and the Gothic horror that surrounded the crimes is worthy of some examination. Some of the facts of the case were undoubtedly toned down by the authorities at the time; though twenty-seven victims was the official count, it was unofficially estimated that as many as fifty murders of young males between the ages of 12 and 18 could be laid at his door in almost five years of criminal activity, and horror was heaped upon horror when the court proceedings revealed that he had added cannibalism to his crimes.

The prosecution alleged that he had actually sold the flesh of his victimes for human consumption in his cooked meat shop; there was no doubt that Haarman had been able to outdo all the local butchers in the reasonableness of his prices and it was observed that he had never been short of meat in a time when it was particularly scarce in the aftermath of the war. He had once, it was alleged, cooked sausages containing human meat and ate them in his kitchen. One cannot help noting the resemblance of the Haarman case to that of [...] Prest’s popular melodrama Sweeney Todd, whose demon barber sold the bodies of his human victims to provide the ingredients of the pies sold in Widow Lovat’s shop next door. A case of nature imitating art, perhaps? Or was it possible that Haarman, ill-educated and ignorant as he was, had made himself familiar with the old story?

The vampire’s first victim was a boy of 17 called Friedel Rothe who disappeared in early October 1918. His parents, who had received a postcard from him, posted from Hanover a few days earlier, instituted a thorough search for their son and Haarman’s home, Cellarstrasse 27, was raided by the police, who found Haarman in an extremely compromising position with another youth. He was arrested and sentenced to nine months imprisonment for gross indecency; at the time of his arrest the head of the boy Rothe was hidden behind an oven in his home! Later, he threw the head into a canal. But for the lack of thoroughness in the police search in the meat shop, Haarman’s vampiric activities would have come to an abrupt end and twenty-six lives have been saved.

Almost a year after his arrest, in September 1919, Haarman met a handsome youth called Hans Grans, who was to be his downfall. Grans was almost more decadent than the older man and is described by Montague Summers as ‘one of the foulest parasites on society.’ Certainly he was a male prostitute, thief, informer and murderer, apart from having various sidelines such as blackmail and agent provocateur. He was responsible for many of the murders, urging Haarman to kill in one instance because he coveted a youth’s shirt; he often acted as the decoy, bringing the hapless victim to the vampire’s den. This is not too strong a term as the squalid circumstances of the murders involving Haarman and Grans were unspeakably sickening.

The court proved and the two men confessed that when they were in the cook shop premises, Haarman held his victims down and then murdered them, usually by a single strong bite on the throat. In many cases the victim’s body was then cut up, sometimes being cooked and eaten in various forms by Haarman and Grans. Those portions of the twenty-seven unfortunates not eaten by the vampire or his friend were then cooked and sold to the public over the counter of the shop.

Another man, a butcher, was also involved in the disposing of the ‘meat’ supplied by the infamous pair, but he seems to have been a minor figure compared to them. Haarman was trapped when a quarrel broke out between him and a potential victim at Hanover Station in June 1924. Both men were arrested and the horror revealed when Haarman’s room in the aptly-named Red Row section of the city was searched. Haarman then implicated Grans in his crimes and the unholy couple stood trial in a case which was a cause celebre on a world scale.

The News of the World was only one of scores of newspapers which had a field day with the trial; a typical heading in large type was ‘Vampire’s Victim’. Haarman’s background was interesting. [...] He had spent some time in an asylum after being convicted of offences against children and had an angry and quarrelsome relationship with his violent father, the two men often coming to blows. In 1903 he was medically examined with a view to his being sent to a home, but the doctor involved felt there were no grounds for returning him to an asylum. He became a tramp, street hawker and thief and later, at the time of his association with the Hanover police, was known as ‘Detective Haarman’, in view of his work as a police informer.

There doest not seem to be any tangible clue to the reason for his vampiric traits, and his mental and moral disintegration seems to have been a gradual descent aided by the general degredation of the company he kept and the complete collapse of all standards in Germany following the great war.

When his methods of killing his victims in the fashion of a vampire and his eating of the remains were described in court, Haarman sat unmoved and impassive throughout the most horrific evidence. Most interesting though, was his denial of insanity; he protested that he was in a state of trance when he attacked his victims and did not realize what he was doing. But the prosecution argued tellingly that this could not be so as the method of killing, which involved holding the victim as he bit into his throat, argued premeditation of the crime.

The macabre details were increased when Haarman and Grans described the crimes, the bones and skulls of the murdered boys being thrown into the river, which abutted onto the vampire’s quarters. The producers of a Grand Guignol film on this theme could hardly improve on the horrendous circumstances of the crimes or the mise-en-scene. Though Haarman was undoubtedly a vampire of sorts, he seemed at the trial hardly to be the dominant parter; he alleged that sometimes Grans beat him for failing to bring down the ‘game’ brought to him. Bodies were often stacked in a cupboard awaiting dismemberment and once the police were actually present when a corpse was hidden only a few yards from them.

Hanover, and to some extent the world, breathed with relief when Haarman was decapitated by sword in April 1925. Surprisingly, his equally infamous companion Grans escaped with life imprisonment, later commuted to twelve years’ penal servitude.

Creepy, eh? All true - you can look it up. I wonder why people (including myself) enjoy stories like that? Certainly the reality is horrible and none of that should ever have happened. And yet some sort of sick thrill comes with reading stuff like that. Hopefully it’s a very, very long time before anyone like Haarman or Grans ever show up again.

Posted by Katie at 00:50:59 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Tai Chi, Or Not Tai Chi? THAT Is The Question

So I’m thinking about dropping my Tai Chi class. I basically only took it because I wanted to take a P.E. class for some exercise and it was the only one open in the time slot I had free. And it’s okay, but I’m not really all that into it, and there’re a lot of other things I’d rather be doing on Monday and Wednesday evenings. The problem is that’s its already halfway through the semester and if I drop it now I’ll get a ‘W’ on my transcript - and I’m not sure how bad of a thing that actually is. Is it worse than the ‘F’ I’ll no doubt get for repeatedly skipping class? I mean, it’s not like I’m withdrawing from an academic class, and I don’t need the one measly credit I get for attending.

Seriously, though, I think when I’m done writing this I’ll go and drop it, then find some form of exercise I actually enjoy. I wonder if there’s any free Yoga classes around here? Probably not - Yoga’s too popular for anyone to teach just out of the goodness of their heart. *Sigh* I know, I have no faith in the inherent goodness of mankind. But I suppose there’s no harm in looking.

So yeah I found a great TRUE horror story I’m gonna put on here at some point - it’s like the real-life Sweeney Todd. A totally creepy and truly abhorrent story - perfect! So yeah when I’m done copying it out of the book it’s in I’ll put it up here for your enjoyment - or disgust.

 

Posted by Katie at 23:52:48 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Defective ‘Gaydar’

Well, ‘Meg’ has saved the day again. I was beginning to worry about the fact that I don’t really have great subjects to talk about on a blog. And what’s the point of having a blog if you don’t have anything to talk about? But good ol’ Meg left a comment under ‘The Great Hormone Feud’ about the movie my crush and I went to see two weeks ago: “Was Step It Up 2 his choice? ‘Cause if it was then I think we have a solid case of ‘he’s not into women’.”

Leave it to Meg to bring up one of my biggest issues. Namely: why the hell am I always attracted to the closeted gays? I mean, it’s been a problem of mine since I was a ‘tween, although I didn’t recognize it then. Remember when ‘N Sync was popular? Guess which one I had a crush on - ALL OF THEM hahaha. Sorry. Not funny. No, of course I just lurved Lance. Whay couldn’t I have been attracted to Justin or one of the other guys? It’s seriously beginning to feel like a curse.

My inadvertent gaydar is - if three of the last four crushes are to be counted - nearly flawless. But my special version of gaydar is unique and absolutely useless. I can’t use it on purpose! So now every time I get a crush on a guy I have to wonder first if he’s gay. Can you imagine what that does to a girl’s sanity?

My current on-again off-again crush could, as Meg points out, be gay. It’s sad that I wouldn’t be surprised. He says he’s had a girlfriend in the past, but heck, Elton John was married to a woman for a while, wasn’t he? So that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Plus quite a few of the signs are certainly there - all his friends are girls, his Facebook profile doesn’t say one way or the other, he’s incredibly good looking, he doesn’t have a girlfriend already, and he dresses well (although I do hold some small hope in the fact that sometimes he wears the same thing two days in a row). But of course all these things could mean absolutely nothing. I like to delude myself that they don’t mean anything, and until I’m 100% sure, I’m finding it really hard to give up on him.

But any straight guys that might be reading this, definetely don’t get the impression that it is in ANY way appropriate to lie to a girl and tell her you’re gay because you don’t want to hurt her feelings. It’s nice that you don’t want to hurt her and all, but I mean, look how neurotic I am, and to my knowledge all three guys were telling the truth! Then if the girl caught you going out with some other chick, you’d be in some really deep shit. Plus, she’d be even more hurt than if you had just told her the truth in the first place.

Meg says she likes to have her fantasies and be strung along. I can understand that thinking completely, and I used to think like that, too. But I have trouble really crushing on more than one guy at once, and I really don’t want to waste my time on a guy that’s not interested in me when I could be having a relationship with someone else. Of course, in my case this is all wishful thinking, but that’s my two cents.

Posted by Katie at 07:39:31 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

One Day A Lemming Will Fly

I am weak. You know the guy I said I was trying to get over? Well today, on an impulse, I did the exact thing I had told myself I would stop doing. I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME??? To my shock, he said ‘okay.’ We went to study at a coffee shop, and it was fun. Nothing happened, of course, but I wasn’t expecting it to. Actually, by the time I got to the coffee shop I was so mortified by my lack of self control I wasn’t even in the mood to be flirty.

I’m not stupid (or so I tell myself increasingly desperately). I know I’m still attracted to him, but I thought I had made up my mind not to pursue him anymore! I’m almost completely certain he’s not interested in me, and for the three or four very good reasons I mentioned in earlier posts, I know he’s not really the guy for me. I’m setting myself up to get hurt. I know it, and I can’t seem to stop it. It’s those stupid hormones again, I know it. No wonder lemmings jump off cliffs. They probably don’t really want to, but when the compulsion strikes they probably jump without even meaning to. I feel like a freakin’ lemming.

Posted by Katie at 06:50:46 | Permalink | No Comments »